Brave

The face of brave is:

A smile in spite of a chronic illness.

Getting poked 3 times before the IV was in--without throwing a fit.

Laughing with the nursing staff while killer drugs are slowly dripping into your veins.

Living big.

Our Dad is better than your dad!

He's patient.

He's gentle.

He's kind.

He's the best dad for these kids...and their sister (who was probably outside playing with her spider).

And he's smoking hot.  Who can ask for more?

Timing

It's interesting how things have a way of working out.

How frustrations can turn to quiet realizations.

Today was one of those days for me.

We have been planning to make the 9 hour drive to Texas to celebrate a graduation.

Our plans were to leave the big kids

Take the little Knight

Load up and head to Texas

Crash at my bother, sister-in-law, and niece's house

And celebrate graduation with some of our very best friends.

Instead...

We left the big kids

Took the little Knight

Loaded up and headed TOWARDS Texas.

We were about 30 miles into Oklahoma.  2 hours into our drive when we came to a complete stop on the Interstate.

Up ahead we could see some concerning clouds and I decided to check the weather radar.

What on earth did people do without SmartPhones?

The radar looked pretty ominous.

We flipped on the local radio station and within minutes the announcer started giving locations of Tornado Warnings.  We were 30 miles north of all storms.  But...our trip would take us right into the middle of what became four different tornado warnings all along our route.

Couple of thoughts ran through my mind:

First, before we left earlier in the day, my Prince had pulled me aside and said, "Mom, do me a favor.  Pinkie promise that you won't drive into a tornado."  I happily pinkie-promised.

Second, my thoughts circled around the fact that my life is not my own these days.  I owe it to 3 kiddos to be safe and cautious.  I get that it sounds extreme.  But knowingly driving into tornado warnings seems dumb.  And I am certain my family members, who would be left to raise my children if my husband and I died, are happy with my line of thinking.

After some talking and a brief stop for ice-cream to give the storms a chance to get better or get worse...we decided that our best option was to turn around and head back home.

In the end we drove 5 hours for ice-cream.

Back home we had dinner with Nana and Papa and the big kids.  Everyone played in the yard and enjoyed the evening, despite the change in plans.

Everyone except me.

I felt awful.

Sad to miss graduation.

Disappointed to change plans.

Guilty that we were not going to be able to be with our friends during this big event in their lives!

All of it.

As we drove home to put the little Knight into bed for the night, we talked about getting up in the morning and heading back out on the road.  If we left at 5a.m. we could make it just in time.  Just talking about it began to lift my sour mood.

As my husband was putting pj's on the Knight, he said, "feel his back?"

I did.

Fire.

I felt his head.

Surely not.

He had been fine all day.

I checked again.

But his skin was hot.

Turns out it was 102 and climbing.

All of a sudden, all of the frustration I felt about missing the trip dissolved as I considered a trip 9 hours from home, staying at someone else's house, with a sick baby.

And then he puked all over everything.

And I realized...those storms in the middle of Oklahoma today were really just a big nudge.  (**Ok, I'm kidding.  I don't really think the storm warnings were for me, specifically.)  But I found myself grateful that it happened the way it did.  That we turned around.  And that the moment my little Knight spiked a fever and puked all over the bed, we were in our house with our washing machine and multiple changes of clothes.

It really is interesting how things have a way of working out.

Read

Dear Princess and Prince,

I am not trying to be "dumb", "stupid", "bossy", or even a "jerk".  

I'm not certain I can say the same for either of you.

I make you brush your teeth. I make you eat vegetables, I make you go to bed to get good rest...

I am also going to make you read. 

Period.

I've stopped caring if you love it. 

I've practically stopped caring if you love me.  

Both of you are acting as if this is potentially the MoSt. Abusive. Thing. Ever.  

Your life is too good. 

If this is "the worst thing EVER!"...then I need to do a better job of introducing you to actual bad things. 

I have a strong sense that you both believe you can wear me down with all of the tantrum throwing and name calling over being made to read. 

However, your actions have only strengthened my resolve. See, I won't be beaten. When I enter a battle, I prepare to win. At all costs. 

Happy summer!

Xoxo

New Summer Experience

After about 15 seconds of thinking about it, we decided to hire a college student to help with the kiddos this summer. Just a few hours a week.

I wanted to be able to take the older 2 swimming. And not mess up the Knight's napping schedule. 

And, let's face it...a two year old at a swimming pool is a suicide mission...on a good day.  So basically, I didn't want to torture myself and the big kids with a toddler at the pool -- very often. 

An extra person allows me to send the big kids to the pool with her on days when I need to stay home.  Or take the bigs and leave the sitter here.  Or plan little fun trips and leave the Knight at home napping without a full disruption of our schedule!

I'm getting excited to see how it plays out!  

But I have to say, the big kids seem way more excited than I expected. 

Maybe it's because the whole idea of a babysitter is foreign to them.  And new is exciting. Or maybe, and highly likely, they hope the babysitter is not as lame as mom.

They are fighting over who gets to spend more time with her. They are asking a million questions about her and when she will get here.  Thankfully, she is on her way as I type. 

The Princess is standing in the driveway holding a skink and a broken egg shell waiting to greet her.

I can only imagine the stories!

Me and the 3 - Our DNA couldn't have created this much beauty!

Talking to kids.

I am certain I am chronically ill-equipped to have the conversations I have with my Prince.

He sits down on any given day and lobs a topic at me like a grenade.

Today, an ordinary Saturday morning. There are waffles and sticky syrup. Cartoons on TV that constantly need to be turned down.  And that easy feeling that comes from nothing on the schedule. 

And he walks into the room, sits on the couch and says, "how come so many people say President Obama kills babies?"

Our conversation lasts a long time. At one point we are talking about the branches of government and I briefly consider calling my dad for reference. I worry that I am teaching this kid crazy-wrong information.  I also consider that the words I use may hang in his memory for years. I want to be honest and careful.

We discuss choice and law. We talk about opinions and hatred.  He asks how come people hate President Obama for believing in choice if he can't change the law all by himself anyway. I asked the Prince to explain what he meant.  He said, "well it sounds like the other people in the government have to be apart of making rules and changing rules...so why do people just get mad at the president?"

Frankly, I'm impressed with his line of thinking. 

At one point he asks me what I believe. 

It's so much easier to talk about what other people believe. 

I quoted C.S. Lewis to my 3rd grade Prince. I tried to explain that my opinion is all wrapped up in my own life and experiences. I've never been pregnant. I have never been faced with needing to make a choice.  

At one point I had to say, "some of this information is just not appropriate for a 3rd grade kiddo to know."  He was treading dangerously close to the idea of abuse and violence.  Interestingly, he immediately said, "ok."

Our conversation continued until he felt satisfied with the details.  In the end, he was ready for a snack. And I was ready for a nap. 

And also a little prayer that he would immediately forget the stupid things I undoubtedly said.

Honestly.  When I dreamed of babies and bringing them home to love and cuddle...I thought about tiny baby clothes and trips to the park.

I am never prepared.

Scarred for life

He saw me naked.

Well, not all of me. 

But enough of the naked parts he shouldn't see to make a lasting impression. 

He came around the corner fast. 

It's a small house. 

I should have been better prepared. 

He acted like he didn't see anything.  

But later to his father the Prince said this...

"I'm scarred for life.  I'm not supposed to see that until I'm like 40."

My thought is...he isn't supposed to see that, like ever!

Mother's Day

So it has to be said.

My Prince is wicked funny.

He has an unbelievably quick whit.

Which, quite frankly, seems impossible given his speed at answering questions. Because when you ask the kid a question, you need to be prepared to brave a long winter before he answers.

But fire sarcasm around this kid, and don't blink.

Today we had a nice Mother's Day lunch. Fantastic food. All sitting around the table.

This adds up to fighting. Big fighting.

The Princess and the Prince are going through a phase. Good grief! Someone tell me it's only a phase.

They fight.

Always.

She's volatile.

He picks.

No one is quiet.

They had a little lunch time showdown. It was frustrating. I let them know I was not impressed. I may have raised my voice. There may have been sarcastic mention of Mother's Day and their duty as my offspring to reign it in!

Well in this house, when faced with raised voices...the Princess sees that as an opportunity to enter in and win the grand prize. She got to head to her room to cool down.

On the heels of that, my little knight starts to scream. He's 2. He was playing happily and suddenly he's screaming.

I turn to see my Prince, the same one who was just irritating his sister, standing in front of the 2 year old holding baby toys.

The Prince had taken a toy from a 2 year old.

I may have come uncorked.

Slightly.

I said something like...

Are you kidding me? Who is the common denominator here? You pick at your sister until she screams. I send her to her room...which is no easy task. Then you pick on a baby until he screams. Who is the one person in the room having a problem with everyone?

People, without missing a beat, my Prince said:

"You"

Truer words have never been spoken.

Easter

Giveaway!!

You know how all the cool blogs do giveaways? Free Kitchen Aide mixers, cameras, t-shirts, etc. if you comment and answer a question.

Well, I'm joining in.

Tell me what it was like at your house this morning...and you'll be entered in a drawing to win one of my two older children.

They come with cute clothes.

P.s. remember yesterday and my love for my children post...?? Well, I'm still human.

Happy Monday morning.

I expect to hear from each one of you.

Keeping it Real

Ever have one of those moments when you know for sure you can be a complete turd?

Ever have that moment caught on film?

I have.

Yes, that is my middle son reading a book to my youngest son.

Yes, that is me on my phone.

Pre-Spring Break Trip

The kids were off of school on Thursday and Friday.

At the last moment we decided to take a trip to Austin, Texas for a long weekend.

Some of our best family friends live outside of Austin...as well as my oldest brother.  Bonus and bonus.

We picked the kids up from school on Wednesday with the car fully loaded and hit. the. road.

9 hours of driving plus stops.

Given the minor detail that we are chaos on wheels, we were prepared for anything...including by not limited to:  DVDs, PS3 with controllers, books on tape, books (for real), snacks, drinks, headphones, paper towels, regular towels, throw-up containers, and the regular travel essentials.

The beauty of never knowing what to expect, is that sometimes the thing that happens is perfection!  We traveled 3 plus hours and stopped for dinner.  Bedded everyone down with full bellies and clean diapers (where applicable) and the entire crew slept for the rest of the 6.5 hours of drive time.  This meant that the adults...me and my guy...had 6.5 hours of pure bliss, together.

Trip Highlights:

~Sleeping went fairly well for the most part.  Big bonus for me, since not sleeping makes for a crank-pot mommy.

~My sweet forever friend was gracious the entire time (even with the moments of disaster that included her couch being scrubbed with a commercial vacuum-enough said).

~My Princess made her way to my friend's bed VERY. EARLY. in the morning to chat and sing songs from Mine Craft.  My friend said it was fine, even though it really wasn't.

~My Princess also made her way to the backyard pool before 8 a.m. to do a little cleaning.  The water temp was 62 degrees.  The outside air temp was 64 degrees.  She was undeterred.  

Big fun addition to our trip was visiting another CrossFit Box (read: gym).  After all those hours in the car, I desperately wanted to workout.  I made contact with an affiliate in the area and dropped in. Got a great workout in and met some great folks.

After being in Texas for 12 hours, I couldn't take it anymore...I HAD to see my big brother.  We got to chat and snuck in a quick lunch, just the two of us.  Wonderful.

Day Two was a trip to Sea World San Antonio.

Couple of details:  The place was like a ghost town.  The Friday before Spring Break is the best day to visit Sea World, hands down. The weather was a little misty and upper 60's to low 70's.

Also, The Princess, in Princess fashion, got plucked from the crowd during the Beluga show as the one and only audience member to feed the Beluga.  Here's how is went down.  She wanted to sit in the splash zone.  We didn't.  We took a big breath and sent her to sit alone.  She ended up sitting in the area with a large group of kids on a school field trip.  During the show the trainer and whale swam to the edge.  The trainer reached for a fish out of the "treat" bucket and in a flash my Princess was up and out of her seat headed towards the whale.  We gasped and then held our breath.  We had no idea why she was out of her seat.  We hadn't seen the trainer call to her. We also knew we couldn't get to her.  So we waited.  She grabbed that huge fish and flung it into the whale's mouth and clapped her sweet little hands.  Did a little dance and headed back to her seat.  We exhaled and laughed.  How does this happen to her?  She's special, I tell ya.

The day was fun.  Mixed with typical kid-flavored annoyances of begging and fighting and complaining.  But mostly fun.  That my internet-friends, is success in our little corner of the world.

The kids became obsessed with roller-coster rides.  We grabbed it up as opportunity to force them to be together.  They went on most of the rides sitting together.  Big smiles!

Parking Lot. I tell you, ghost town!

I wasn't sure we would be able to top a day like Sea World!

But we managed to make Saturday a fun-filled Texas day as well.

It was no where near warm enough to swim.  THAT doesn't stop my Princess.

The park seemed a little more reasonable for the Prince!

And then we got the chance to take the little Knight on a Choo-Choo ride!  He loved it.

A true vacation means no makeup and no flat-iron for me!

Spring Break

For all practical purposes...Spring Break for our family was really here.  (Go on...I'll wait)

For our real spring break, my husband had to travel with work.

Better to not get me started.

But I'm gonna tell ya...I have THE BEST parents on the planet.

They made it their mission to not let spring break fail for us.  And they delivered a fantastic-activty-filled-hilarious-moments-spring-break.  It did not disappoint.

My father has worked to enter my kids in a Wild Life Challenge Activity that requires them to complete different "challenges" with pictures to prove.  Oh. My. Gosh.  I love this idea.  Better yet, that my father is doing it with my kids.

Here's how it went down:

~Feed a bird

~Hike a Trail

***He doesn't actually have a black hole in his mouth. I'm not sure what the picture did. But just to be clear...

Even the little Knight got in some hike time!

In an effort to complete even more challenges, Papa took the Princess on an extended field trip to a local lake.

Before she left, I asked her if she knew my phone number in case anything happened and she needed to call me.  **The backstory goes like this:  My father has Meniere's Disease.  It's an inner ear disorder.  Early on in his disease, he and I were in the park on a walk.  He had an extreme attack of dizziness and fell right over.  Fine one minute and flat on the ground the next.  It scared the crap out of me.  I truly thought he was dead...for like 22 seconds.  Then I was furious.  Probably because he kind of laughed at my reaction (some would describe as overreaction).  In any event, I am always prepared for the worst.  I wanted the Princess to know my cell number in case of...well...ahem...anything.  So I wrote it on her arm.  My father thinks that was a little much.

But here's the deal.  They don't stay in the car.  Or even on well marked paths when they go on field trips.  They go all in.

Proof:
She had to wear his extra pants home.  He travels with extra pants because he knows that he occasionally needs to completely change clothes before he can even get back home.  **And he thinks I over-prepare with a simple phone number on an arm.  Hmphh.

It's a reasonable question to ask why she needed to wear his extra pants home.  It would be because her pants looked like this:

And here is what she brought home.  Treasures!  Pure treasures!  The first thing my husband asked when he saw the pictures..."where are all of those treasures at now?  My answer is, "I don't know but I just bought a plug-in air freshener for her room today."

And then she used all of her dead animal parts to do a little freestyle creative expression.

And not to be outdone...I needed a turn too.

Little Mini Melt Down

So the emotional learning curve continues.

My little Knight is almost 2.  He is in a huge daddy and papa phase.  Which means he barely likes me.  No hugs, no kisses, no snuggles.

So I stopped feeding him.

Kidding.  I'm kidding.

********************************************************************************

The Prince is really pushing the limits of my ability to parent.  At times he is literally the most in-tune child...wise beyond his years.  He asks very thoughtful questions.  He can carry on a conversation better than many adults.  He is aware of people and their feelings.  He can empathize.  He can read between the lines.  It often amazes me.

And then, he flips.  Super-wicked short fuse.  Inability to see beyond his own desires.  So focused on winning the debate he stops listening.  Irrational.

I end up sending him to his room and standing in the middle of the kitchen scratching my head.

********************************************************************************

And then there is this other thing.

Completely unrelated to parenting.

It's about me.  And my bizarre brain wiring.  And my emotions.  And community.  And people.  And the way we treat each other.

And it's making me crazy.

I'm doing this thing for the first time.  A competition.  I only signed up because, well, I'm not sure why.

I guess mostly to learn more.  Push harder.  Experience something new.

I'm not a fan.

In fact, I am close to truly being miserable.

So, I'm trying to sort through what the issue is for me, personally.

Here's the deal.  My experience with competition is limited, if not absent completely.  This is by choice.  I hate it.  I don't like to race towards any finish if I am racing another person.

I don't like to lose, certainly...who does?

But there is something else...

I'm not exactly positive what "it" is.

I love, Love, LOVE to cheer people on.  It's why I became  labor and delivery nurse.  I love to be apart of and help people work towards something unbelievably hard and celebrate with them in the end.

I love to watch people accomplish things.  To finish things.  To do their very best.

In school, a million years ago, I was a 100% girl.  On any paper, test, assignment...my goal was 100%.  Every. Single. Time.  Anything less was just not ok with me.  I didn't meet the goal always, obviously.  But I was always focused on that end.  And here's the other part of that equation.  I believed, completely, that everyone else should aim for and accomplish the same.  I wanted everyone getting the top score.  I don't remember ever (secretly) hoping that my classmates would score less than me.  I hated when a test was over and kids would start comparing answers.  Trying to find some relief in the majority.  "What did you put on number 7?"  "What was your answer to the last question?"  Those conversations made my skin crawl.  I always walked away.

So back to my current life experience.

I'm doing this thing.  With these people.  I love these people.  Really, honestly sharing my life and my time with these folks.  And what I'm feeling about competition is that it doesn't build relationships.  It challenges them - for me.  And it's not worth it.  In secret, I wonder if it becomes not about celebrating victories together...but about hoping to beat your friend by just a little bit.  It should be about doing YOUR personal best and walking away fulfilled.  But I wonder if it becomes about doing something and then watching to see what everyone else has accomplished before you fully determine how you will feel.  At times, for me, it's become more about comparison and winning vs losing.  It has become score keeping.  It's not for me.

I can fully respect that my opinion...this opinion...isn't shared by my friends and community.  I am married to a man that is wired to love this stuff.  To watch the scores.  He freely compares numbers and abilities and doesn't get emotional about it at all.  Crazy fascinating to me.

Through all of this I've learned something about myself...If I have to chose between relationships or winning (or losing)...I chose relationships.  Every. Single. Time.

Bottom line.  I am an awful competitor.  A wicked awesome cheerleader.  And in the end, I don't want roadblocks placed in relationships...life is hard enough already.

***Update: I feel like I need to clarify a touch. This thing I'm processing applies VERY specifically to a 5 week competition. Not the communityof people. Or this thing we all do on a regular basis. It's about this specific period of time.

The Voices in my Head

What an awful day.

Not all of it.

But awful enough that it makes the rest seem awful too.

We just had a meeting at school about my Prince.

My middle guy.

My thinker, worrier, question asker, picker, teaser, complex kiddo.

This is NOT my first rodeo.

But I'll be honest, I was hoping the first rodeo (aka The Princess) would be my last.

I was not looking for a repeat.

We are not looking at the same issues with the Prince as we have with our Princess.

Yet, the language and the descriptions are eerily familiar.

My skin is just not this thick.

I didn't cry in the meeting.

I saved it for now.

But dang, I'm a mess.

These voices in my head...

I was able to quiet them the first time around...with the Princess.

I kept saying, "Autism...it's the Autism"

But now...

I'm saying, "What did we do?"  "How are we getting it THIS wrong?"

My Prince is having a hard time.

Only he doesn't seem to notice.

He's not making friends.

He's not following directions.

He's causing conflict.

He's being mean.

He's breaking his momma's heart.

And the truth is, his life is so full of hard things already with Crohn's Disease.  I just want him to have something come easy.

But for all of my "wanting" it just isn't happening.

My job, as his mother, is to protect him and help him and teach him and guide him.

He's making this job really, really hard.

Once I quiet the voices in my head.

Put my big girl pants on

And wipe my tears,

I'll get back in the game.

But today--

I'm a mess.

I don't care who you are...

That's funny.

We took the Prince for his Remicade infusion today in the city.

Just my hubby, the Prince, and me.

After a long day, we were driving home in the dark and the Prince was awake for the first time during the drive.

The conversations started...seems like they always do in the dark.

Prince: "Do you think you can ask God questions and hear his answer?"

Me: "Do you mean now or after you die?"

Him: "I mean in Heaven."

At this point my hubby tried his best to explain what he believes to be true about God and the Trinity. The Prince soaked it all in.

Me: " Do you have a lot of questions for God?"

Him: "I have millions of questions."

Me: "What is one of them?"

Him: "How did Amelia Earhart die?"

Hubby: "What if you get a chance to ask her yourself in Heaven?"

Me: (feeling really happy that we were getting this chance to talk and listen with our Prince) "What is another question you have for God?"

Him: (without skipping a beat) "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

I may have gasped...right before we erupted in laughter! Perfect moment, hands down.

After a few minutes

He said, "I'd also ask how to cure Crohn's."

And I knew right then, this kid is one of my heroes.

Snow Day!

It started with the announcement from the school district...

Here's how:

A phone call to my phone

A phone call to my husband's phone

A phone call to our land line

A text message to my phone

A text message to my husband's phone

An email.

We guessed after the email, they were probably serious.

Goodness sakes.

How on earth did my parents ever get the memo to keep us home from school when I was younger?

((Sarcasm))

And then it snowed and snowed and snowed.

Today we are having the greatest day.