Little Mini Melt Down

So the emotional learning curve continues.

My little Knight is almost 2.  He is in a huge daddy and papa phase.  Which means he barely likes me.  No hugs, no kisses, no snuggles.

So I stopped feeding him.

Kidding.  I'm kidding.

********************************************************************************

The Prince is really pushing the limits of my ability to parent.  At times he is literally the most in-tune child...wise beyond his years.  He asks very thoughtful questions.  He can carry on a conversation better than many adults.  He is aware of people and their feelings.  He can empathize.  He can read between the lines.  It often amazes me.

And then, he flips.  Super-wicked short fuse.  Inability to see beyond his own desires.  So focused on winning the debate he stops listening.  Irrational.

I end up sending him to his room and standing in the middle of the kitchen scratching my head.

********************************************************************************

And then there is this other thing.

Completely unrelated to parenting.

It's about me.  And my bizarre brain wiring.  And my emotions.  And community.  And people.  And the way we treat each other.

And it's making me crazy.

I'm doing this thing for the first time.  A competition.  I only signed up because, well, I'm not sure why.

I guess mostly to learn more.  Push harder.  Experience something new.

I'm not a fan.

In fact, I am close to truly being miserable.

So, I'm trying to sort through what the issue is for me, personally.

Here's the deal.  My experience with competition is limited, if not absent completely.  This is by choice.  I hate it.  I don't like to race towards any finish if I am racing another person.

I don't like to lose, certainly...who does?

But there is something else...

I'm not exactly positive what "it" is.

I love, Love, LOVE to cheer people on.  It's why I became  labor and delivery nurse.  I love to be apart of and help people work towards something unbelievably hard and celebrate with them in the end.

I love to watch people accomplish things.  To finish things.  To do their very best.

In school, a million years ago, I was a 100% girl.  On any paper, test, assignment...my goal was 100%.  Every. Single. Time.  Anything less was just not ok with me.  I didn't meet the goal always, obviously.  But I was always focused on that end.  And here's the other part of that equation.  I believed, completely, that everyone else should aim for and accomplish the same.  I wanted everyone getting the top score.  I don't remember ever (secretly) hoping that my classmates would score less than me.  I hated when a test was over and kids would start comparing answers.  Trying to find some relief in the majority.  "What did you put on number 7?"  "What was your answer to the last question?"  Those conversations made my skin crawl.  I always walked away.

So back to my current life experience.

I'm doing this thing.  With these people.  I love these people.  Really, honestly sharing my life and my time with these folks.  And what I'm feeling about competition is that it doesn't build relationships.  It challenges them - for me.  And it's not worth it.  In secret, I wonder if it becomes not about celebrating victories together...but about hoping to beat your friend by just a little bit.  It should be about doing YOUR personal best and walking away fulfilled.  But I wonder if it becomes about doing something and then watching to see what everyone else has accomplished before you fully determine how you will feel.  At times, for me, it's become more about comparison and winning vs losing.  It has become score keeping.  It's not for me.

I can fully respect that my opinion...this opinion...isn't shared by my friends and community.  I am married to a man that is wired to love this stuff.  To watch the scores.  He freely compares numbers and abilities and doesn't get emotional about it at all.  Crazy fascinating to me.

Through all of this I've learned something about myself...If I have to chose between relationships or winning (or losing)...I chose relationships.  Every. Single. Time.

Bottom line.  I am an awful competitor.  A wicked awesome cheerleader.  And in the end, I don't want roadblocks placed in relationships...life is hard enough already.

***Update: I feel like I need to clarify a touch. This thing I'm processing applies VERY specifically to a 5 week competition. Not the communityof people. Or this thing we all do on a regular basis. It's about this specific period of time.