I Do Not Know.

Today I'm frustrated.

Or maybe it's angry.

At the very least, it's defeated.

Here's the thing, I keep reading about inspiring people and strong people.

There is always a common thread.

These people attack life with positivity.  They don't complain.  They don't have "poor me" attitudes.

They have extra amounts of grace.

And peace.

Joy.

And, I'm assuming magical fairy dust.

You see,

I am a mother - the kind of mother that always wanted to be a mother.

I played barbies and baby dolls as a little girl.

I loved real babies and wanted to hold them whenever possible.

I dreamed about having babies.

Then I found out pregnancy wasn't going to be my "way" to have babies.

But adoption absolutely was the way.

It happened for us - 3 times.

Three beautiful adoption stories.

Three amazing babies.

And then,

Three significant special needs.

Autism, Crohn's disease, and Apraxia

Staggering medical bills on top of already expensive adoptions.  Many different therapies and processes just to get from day to day.

It's hard.

Really, really hard.

My DNA provided me with a worry gene.

My life has provided me with an incredible opportunity to grow that special part of myself.

My ability to worry rivals my ability to eat.

Both are impressive.

Worry wins.

Today my little Knight was diagnosed with Influenza A.

And I am faced with many feelings.

First, I am afraid.  It's one of the things I dislike about myself the most.

There's this other thing...

Something I've become acutely aware of,

I am NOT the kind of person that embodies the qualities that people consider "inspiring" or "strong".

I do complain.

I feel very "poor me".

I don't feel positive.

I feel overwhelmed and tired and sad and scared.

And I'm frustrated that feeling these feelings makes me feel bad about myself.

I feel defeated when I read stories about people going through seemingly impossible situations all the while displaying character traits and attitudes that I find very, very difficult to muster on an average day.

I've never opened a book or a blog or a magazine and read a story about a family facing life's hardships with meltdowns and frustration.  I haven't found an inspirational book that details the tears and anti-anxiety pills and therapy appointments involved in navigating a hard life.

Even as I write this in all it's hard truth,

I feel compelled to apologize for complaining.

I feel required to express my amazement that people do navigate incredibly hard roads with peace.  And I'm not lying.  I really am amazed.

But I don't share that ability.

But I DO want to go on record,

For the day my kids will read this blog,

And say,

In spite of how hard I find all of this to be,

I try.

And

I will keep trying.

Behind

I keep looking at my "draft" posts that need to be completed and published.

Posts of:

~Our Parent Teacher Conferences

~Our Dream Factory Trip

~The no-good-very-bad-day my little Knight had an MRI

~an Update on Apraxia and the beginning of speech

~Our special evening as guests at a Premiere party for a medical Documentary

~Decorating for Christmas

~Finishing my Statistics class...

Oh wait a minute!

THIS is the post about finishing that statistics class.

I did it!

I cannot possibly harness the emotion and relief I would like to express with exclamation points -- but I'm trying!!!

I threw myself at this class like my life depended on it.

It's my way --

I don't know another.

I studied and worked and took notes and studied more.

I'm gunning for an A.

It's a long shot.

In other news:

It's Advent.

Hope -- waiting, anticipating, expecting

Peace -- accepting, patience

Joy -- journeying, proclaiming,

Love -- rejoice, fulfillment, revelation, Jesus

I am so often anxious.  I rush.  I make lists.  I have down time that isn't at all -- it's filled with TV, social media, talking, ...

I have forgotten Advent.

This year, I remember.

Lately--

It seems like I'm having too many speed bumps lately.

In reality,

That's probably not at all true.

It's a viewpoint.

A mindset.

A willingness to take on the day.

Right now mine is all "glass half empty" and gray skies and downpours.

Do you have these days (weeks, months)?

We came home from our big trip (**Blog posts are in process about the trip**) to a clothes dryer that squealed like a dying pig every time we turned it on.

Underwear and socks drip-drying is bad news, people.

And while I was waiting for the drip-drying to happen,

I decided to do some homework.

While the little Knight played.

He thought my plan was bad.

He became super needy-Knight.

In an attempt to multi-task and feed him a Gogurt while doing homework,

We ended up with this...

 I will tell you, those Gogurt packs aren't safe for multi-tasking mothers.  They can fling yogurt a long way.

Which meant all work stopped while I dragged out the carpet cleaner.

It's end-rolls of newspaper-paper.  Best little tip for carpet cleaning.

Wheels

The wheels on the bus go 'round and round', 'round and round', round and...

Until they don't.

One day,

Those wheels can just start to fall off.

Darn bus.

Everyone has limits.

Every day my Princess goes to school with her bug box.  

Every day.

On a typical day the contents include:  smelly grass, flowers, caterpillars, a tiny lizard(s), and possibly beetles.

Last week she even took this...

And the school handled it really well.

But today, 

I got two emails, 

from two separate teachers,

Within two minutes of each other.

Both informing me that a snake was at school.

It was a little snake.

But, still, very much a snake.

And so, I called my dad.

Every 37 year old married, mother of 3 needs a dad like my dad.

He drove to school and picked up a snake.

Snakes

In the plains, when it gets colder at night and warms up during the day, this thing happens.

Snakes come out to sunbathe.

And my Princess catches them.

Yes.

Them.

She caught 5 snakes.

In one weekend.

At our house.

And then the snake

Barfed up 3 baby mice.

More reason to not pick up snakes.

You are welcome.

Chess

Dear Prince,

You are so lucky we love you so big.

Because if I didn't love you crazy...

There is almost no way I would do this.

A 7 Hour Chess Tournament

But Then...You Did This!  3rd Place!

Zoo

Rarely do we take a day and make it all about our littlest guy.

For better or for worse, he is the caboose.

He is dragged along as we experience life with the bigs.

Trust me, he isn't neglected or ignored.

If anything, he is the spotlight of joy and laughter.

But what we do on a regular basis seems to be because we have to:  doctor's appointments, speech therapy, miles in the car to school and back, meetings, grocery shopping, different activities for the big kids, etc.

But not today.

Today hubs took a vacation day.  We dropped the bigs off at school.  And we headed out...hubs, me and our little Knight.

It just seemed like a Zoo sort-of-day.

I am not even lying when I tell you that he Had. No. Interest. In. The. Animals.  

Not even a little.

He Ran

He Fixed Fences

He Climbed on Rocks

He watched Construction Equipment Dig

He Got Mad and Stomped When We Made Him Look At Animals

He Pushed the Button of Every Water Fountain

He Fiddled With Locks

And He Ran Some More

For the low-low price of 40 dollars.  

He did exactly what he could have done at the PARK, for free.

:-)

And He Loved It!

Bird

Suddenly we heard a loud thud on our back window.

The Princess went running and yelled, 

"It's a bird!  It hit the window and it's laying in the yard.  I can see it breathing really fast.  I am going out to take a look!"

I said, "Don't touch the bird."

Pshwaaaaaa....

I'm not sure why I wasted good air.

She said, "Oh, I won't!"

Shirt - smirt

The day 6 of your closest friends, your father, mother, and your 2 older brothers ask you if your shirt is on or off...

Is the day you realize you may be an over-sharer.

And by you...

I mean me.

And the story goes...

September 30th hubs and I traveled to the city for the night.

We stayed with friends who happen to be HUGE Kansas City Royals fans.

The night we stayed with them was the Wild Card game that sent the Royals into the division series.

The game was 5.5 hours long.

During the game I sort of got hooked.

5.5 hours and a house full of screaming fans will do that to ya.

Also a team that wins really helps.

Hubs and I became extremely serious about "our" winning team.

Bought some shirts and scheduled our lives around the Division Series.

Game one of the Division Series, I settled in for a nice game of baseball.  In the 11th inning.  Yes, 11th...

I went to my bedroom to put on my Pjs.

My friend had warned me that my new Royals shirt may have magic powers and if the team won this game, I was not allowed to wash my shirt. 

Eeek. 

That felt like a lot of pressure for one simple shirt. 

Well, I took the magic shirt off to put on my jammies. 

**don't picture it, just read the story**

As I stood in my bedroom 

Post shirt

Pre-jammies

Moustakas hit a home run!

Awesome!

The home run part. 

The Royals then went on to sweep the ALDS.  

And that would have been the end of the story...

Except...

In the first game of the ALCS...

In the 10th inning. 

Yes

10th...

I fell asleep. 

Don't judge me, these extra innings were killing me. 

I decided to cash out of this game and stumbled my way to bed. 

As I was pulling off my magic shirt and getting into my jammies...

I heard footsteps, thundering down the hallway. 

Hubs burst into the the bedroom and yelled, "did you just take your shirt off?"

And I just knew. 

Moustakas had hit another home run.

While I was topless. 

With all of the superstition surrounding baseball, I'm gonna tell ya, this made me panic. 

I am not prepared to be topless for longer than is absolutely necessary on any given day.

But, these are some important games.

So I was faced with a dilemma. 

Thankfully, Moustakas hit his 3rd postseason home run while I was completely dressed. 

Which just goes to show...

The Royals don't need any crazy superstition to win. 

They've got wicked talent. 

Dreams

The thing about dreams--

We try to keep them in check.  We play around with the possibility.  But we typically find ourselves assuming that our "imagine if" dreams will only reside in our imaginations. 

And then today happened. 

A couple of years ago, my Prince and my hubby were at the Children's Hospital, 3 hours from our house, for Remicade.

That particular day, they happened to ride in the elevator with a teenage girl and her boyfriend.  The girl was at the hospital getting Remicade as well.

**I can ride in 1,000 elevators with strangers and never, ever make a friend.  My husband cannot.

Hubby, Prince and the couple started chatting.

Turns out they live(d) and go to school an hour in the opposite direction.

My point, that day, they drove an hour from the east and my hubby and Prince drove 3 hours from the west.  The 4 of them ended up on an elevator together, began to chat, and in the end they discovered this...

The boy has a sister who happens to live in the town we live in.

Hubby:  "Oh really!  What's her name?"

Boy:  "Sarah....Do you know her?"

Well, yeah, we know her.

In fact, while my hubby was in the elevator with her little brother, I was probably with her.

Fast forward a few months,

The Prince and the girl from the elevator attend the same Crohn's camp.

Fast forward a few more months, 

We get a call from an organization called The Dream Factory. 

My Prince has been nominated to receive a dream from the Dream Factory.

How?

Why?

Well, the sweet girl he met on the elevator shares a disease with my Prince and she gets it.  She understands what living with this disease means.  The Dream Factory is a dream granting organization for children with chronic medical conditions.  She was granted a dream and in turn sent the Dream Factory our way.  Talk about paying it forward.

We were stunned.

As part of the process, my Prince was asked to provide a description of his dream.  If he could do anything, go anywhere, see anyone...what, where, who would it be?

It's not easy to have this conversation with a child.  At least it isn't easy for us and our child.

He had some ideas but he was uncertain how to organize his thoughts.

He wanted to included airplane travel, visiting people we know, and some sort of professional ball game.  

For hubby and me, it became really important that this "Dream Factory dream" be a true dream for the Prince.  Something he would love!  We talked about people we know that live in different parts of the country.  We talked about a different variety of professional games the Prince might want to see.  And then we did some research - with the Prince - to put all of those pieces together.  

At the end of the day, he had a dream.  And it fits his personality and his interests in the most perfect way.

My Prince loves people.  He loves conversations and history and friendships.  He has a capacity for detail and memory that blow me away. 

We have forever friends that live in North Carolina.  Our kids have known each other forever.  We've spent countless days together -- many of which were holidays and vacation time.  

My Prince really wants to spend time with this family.

On the sports front, he would love to see the New Orleans Saints play.  Drew Brees is one of his favorites.  He also really likes the Carolina Panthers QB, Cam Newton.  

The Saints and the Panthers happen to be meeting up in North Carolina this month.

Suddenly, a dream was born.

He told the Dream Factory his dream.

And then he went back to real life.  He certainly thought about his dream.  He asked about the possibility of it actually happening.  But he didn't focus every fiber of his being on the dream.  He just lived.

Until today...

The Dream Factory delivered.

These two are volunteers with the Dream Factory.  Before today, they were strangers to us.  Yet, for many weeks they have worked and worked to help make my Prince's dream a reality.

We told the Prince some people wanted to come meet him today, to talk about his dream.  

He was expecting an interview.

They were bringing tickets!

In addition, our friends from North Carolina made a video.  In the video they talked about fun memories our families have made together and then the North Carolina kids jumped off the couch (in the video) and yelled...YOU'RE COMING TO NORTH CAROLINA!!

The grin from my Prince...

He kept it small.

He kept it under wraps.

He maintained his cool factor.

But that grin was real.  And it spoke volumes.

And my heart was so very full.

My Prince has walked a journey I can only watch.  Sure, we walk with him.  But we mostly watch.

He's had more than his fair share of difficult days.

He's healthy today.  And we feel blessed.

But it hasn't been easy for him.

Today, I watched as he was the center of attention for something so very fun.

He has some experience being the center of attention...all eyes are on him when he's sick and needs to be in the hospital, or when he is getting IV medication to keep his Crohn's in remission.

But today -- 

He was the center of attention as we celebrated!  We laughed and ate pizza and ice-cream.  We talked about football and baseball and dreams.  

While the official "Dream Factory Dream" is scheduled to begin in a few weeks, 

Today was the kind of day dreams are made of.

There once was a little lizard.

Her name is Brownie.

And this is her story.

Brownie used to live at a lake in the middle of the United States.  It is safe to assume Brownie was happy at the lake, living her lizard life.

One day a Princess was field-tripping with her Papa and saw Brownie.

It was at this moment that Brownie's life changed forever.

Brownie probably thought, "I'm fast.  I'll simply run away from this human girl-child."

What Brownie didn't know was the magic this human possesses.

And before Brownie could make her move...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caught!

Most days Brownie lives a quiet life of leisure on some rocks and sand, in a cage with her twin, Big Boy, feasting on a daily diet of crickets and mealworms.

Today Brownie found herself expertly smuggled to middle school, inside a purse, safely tucked between panties and tampons.

I understand the previous sentence was a lot of information.

But go back.  Read it again.

That my Internet friends, might very well be an "essentials kit" for my Princess.

At some point during the morning a few teachers noticed (or may have been shown) a little lizard living in a purse, at middle school, while the precious pet owner was in class.

Leaving her purse and one little lone lizard unattended.

This all means the purse was left in the autism room, which is home base for my Princess during the day.  It's the room she is supposed to keep her school supplies in, her essentials.

But my Princess was not in the autism room.

She leaves every hour to go to a different class.

What happened next is only my best guess.  But I picture 3 teachers (at least) and a purse filled with panties, tampons, and a lizard.

And then I got this text (from a teacher):

"Can you guess what I had to grab out of her purse because she was in class lol"

The Princess reported to me that she came back to her autism room after class to discover a blue solo cup sitting beside her purse.  

She asked what the cup was doing with her things.

Her teacher said, "Mr. J put your lizard in it.  Can you guess why?"

The Princess responded, "Because no one else wanted to touch it."

Bingo.

So Brownie spent the day in a blue solo cup, at middle school.

She's home now...the Princess and Brownie.  

They have been reunited with one little brother and one twin lizard.

All seem to be doing well.

What I'm Learning About Me...

It's really interesting what I'm learning about myself as I get older.

Just to clarify...

I think it's interesting.

I don't pretend anyone else would think it's interesting what I'm learning -- about me.

However, I can't be alone.

So maybe you will find yourself here.

If not...

Move along.  Because I don't understand you

Also, I secretly want to be you.

And...back to me.

I can't multi-task.

I've said it before.

I've possibly written entire blog posts, already, about my lack of ability to multi-task.

It's for real, folks.

I told hubs the other day that I need a schedule.  Monday will be wife day.  Tuesday will be mom day.  Wednesday will be college student day.  Thursday will be volunteer day.  Friday will be house day.  Saturday will be drinking day.  Sunday is already the Sabbath and I'll clearly need it.  And then I'll need a 8th day for Friend day.  Or I could skip house day and put friends on Friday.

He thought I was being unrealistic.

I think it's brilliant.  And it would be a win for him as well, since there has been no 'wife day' since April.

Turns out,

I can't make that schedule work.

Total bummer.

This week has been one for the books.  My schedule idea would have come in handy.  Instead, I mixed it all up (which apparently regular people do all the time) and I almost lost my ever.loving.mind.

I did some things this week that I could do every single day, I love them so much...

Things like:

Writing, organizing, planning, and developing a strategic communications system for a the Parent Working Group of ImproveCareNow.  As I worked (and by worked I mean, hours!) on org structures and explanations I realized I may be completing the wrong degree.  I looked up communications degrees and instantly fell in love with the course work.  And guess what...Statistics (which I am currently hating) is not listed as a requirement.

Speaking of statistics...

Oh, wait!  I'll come to that.  I'm listing the things I love first.

On Tuesday, which was not originally scheduled as 'Friend Day', became 'friend day' when I got the call that a baby was ready to make his grand entrance and my videographer duties were needed!

I could do baby deliveries every day.

Amazing.

Every time.

I spent a lot of time on the road this week.

It was heavenly.

A big portion of those hours were all by myself driving to the delivery and home.

Another portion of the hours were driving my Knight to speech.

It melts me to watch him work so hard.

This is a fuzzy picture of him with his SLP, sitting at a little table saying sound after sound after sound.

This week was double 'friend day' week.

Because Thursday I got to celebrate this girl's birthday.

She's one of the best friends I can imagine - an extra 'friend day' was perfect!  Plus, our little mommy gathering created quite the impression.

 Now around to statistics.

All the other events of the week meant I let my Statistics homework pile up.

Until Saturday.

I spent 3 hours listening to lectures online.  And at LEAST 3 hours doing homework.

Here is one of the problems:  You are dealt a hand of three cards, one at a time.  Find the probability of each of the following.  a.) The first black card you get is the third card dealt.  b.)Your cards are all clubs.  c.)You get no jacks.  d.)You have at least one diamond.  

Someone get a gun.

As a break from the homework, I decided to tackle the Princess' bedroom.  

This is not a job for the weak.

I cannot tell you how many dead bugs I found.  

Some started out alive and died from lack of natural environment.  

Although, given some time, her bedroom is slowly becoming about as natural of an environment as they could find anywhere.  

Some were brought in already dead - but amazing!  The amazing part is a direct quote.

Do you see all the 'V' shaped black things.  Those are legs.  Seems those fall off once a bug has been dead for a bit of time.

At one point I lifted up a piece of paper and realized an entire cup of mealworms had been spilled on the carpet and then covered with paper.  

Those mealworms were supposed to be dinner for Rex.

Oh, Rex.  

The Princess had to be off location for much of the room clean.  The one time she was with me she freaked out about a used band-aide I was throwing away.  I made her decide between the used band-aide and her iPod.  She paused.  For several seconds...deciding.  

And to close out the weekend, my Knight got sick.

Barking like a seal, fever, the whole deal.

Preschool and speech have turned my little Knight into a carrier monkey (thanks for the fantastic description, Jenny!) of a kid.  It's only September and he's had two full on illnesses this month.

I cannot end a blog post without news about the Prince.

He is still casted.

And his arm smells up an entire room.

Before he enters the room.

10 more days until they cut that cast off.  

I refuse to be in the room when that happens.

And last but not least....

This.

Because, there is always this...