Seasons

I love all 4 seasons.

And we get to experience all 4.

Usually.

Although, this winter was a little lack-luster with zero snowman snow.

In spite of my anticipation of new seasons: different smells, sights, sounds, landscapes, all of it...I usually find myself anxious about winter.

Let's be honest, I'm anxious.  The bottom line is, I'm sort of plagued with anxiety much of my life.  It's annoying and exhausting.  I don't mean for it to happen.  But I'm prepared for it.

Winter is my typical nemesis because of illness.

If I look back on my life, my anxiety about this season started with becoming a mom.  My fierce, protective, momma-bear nature really blossomed that first winter.  My princess was born in January.  As a nurse, I listened to concerns and warnings about seasonal viruses for babies.  I kept my baby as close and covered as possible.  And yet, RSV descended like a terror.  She was 3 months old - so technically not that winterish anymore.  It was spring.  But winter still felt like a bully.  My princess wasn't able to breathe well enough to stay home.  She was admitted to the hospital, transferred to a pediatric ICU via ambulance, and kept stable under the watchful eyes of seasoned nurses and doctors.  I still have PTSD.

Then 3 years later, my Prince was born in November.  On Christmas Eve, I found myself in a hospital room with a 1 month old baby as he struggled to fight a respiratory virus.  I did not cope well.

Since then, I've been extra jumpy.  Extra nervous.  Extra everything.

And as I sit here today as the mom of a 15 year old Princess, a 12 year old Prince, and a 5 year old little Knight, I'll tell ya...my heart still beats faster when I hear a cough or a cry for "mom!"

Today the Princess is on day 5 of Influenza.  Stupid winter virus in the spring.  And this virus isn't just fever and coughing and general misery...it's also head to toe body rash.  It's making her crazy.  It's making me crazy.

I'm searching for some peace from the anxiety.

I'm hoping to find it in the warm sun of spring.