Looking Back and Moving Forward

On this post, I made a bold statement about making this year the year of the blog.

Hmmmphh.

Hello, April.

But the past few days have come with such a strong desire to write.  I've been listening to stories about people who write.  I've been reading books about writing.  And still, I'm not writing.

Until today.

See, I've missed so much.  So many moments and stories.  How can I pick up today when I need to figure out how to go back and record the yesterdays I missed?  I've been feeling it for a long time now.

And just today, I decided.

I am missing the recording of today's stories out of regret for not recording yesterday's.

I suppose I live a lot of days in much the same way.

Missing so much.

I'm living in a war-zone right now.  I hesitate to admit that out loud.  Our life is beautiful.  We have more than we need and almost everything we want.  And still...nearly every day is filled with much strife and anxiety and chaos.

Autism - whether you consider it a personality gift or a disorder or a difference or exceptional moreness - it's hard.

Twelve year old boys are hard.  Or at least mine is - he seems determined to choose a path that appears to be miserable and immeasurably hard.

My little Knight has turned 5.  He is such a sweet boy.  However, he didn't want to be left off the list of "things that make mommy drink."  He is struggling with allergies and asthma.  Many days, most days, he is just fine.  But then he isn't...and it happens lightening fast.

I'm sad.

I feel guilty.

I get defensive about all the issues.

I wish for an easy life.

I feel like a brat even writing those words.

I keep secrets.

I am desperate to be real.

I am terrified of being vulnerable.

But at the end of the day, I write.

We'll see where it goes.